Shepherding a Child's Heart Session 3 - Getting From Behavior to the Heart

[0:00] And so if you have questions, you can text them to the number on the screen. And I want to begin with a review from last week.

[0:22] ! I felt that I didn't do a good job teaching last week, so I want to review some. We started with this truth from Proverbs 4.23.

[0:38] Above all else, guard your heart, for it is a wellspring of life. Now, in the scripture, the scripture teaches that we are physical beings.

[0:53] We have bodies. We will always have bodies, even in heaven we will have bodies. But you know you are more than just your body.

[1:07] There is this non-physical part of you. And the Bible has various terms that it uses to describe the non-physical part of our being.

[1:18] And the Bible uses different terms to describe the non-physical part of our being. Terms like soul. Like soul. Spirit. Spirit. Inner man. The inner most being.

[1:30] The inner most being. All those things are really described by the term heart. Heart. All those things. We can summarize it with the term heart. And the heart is the core of our being.

[1:42] It's the center of who we are as people. And the heart is the center of who we are as people. Now, I took a few minutes just to illustrate last week some of the activities of the heart. Many things we think of as activities of the mind are activities of the heart.

[2:05] And we could also think of the emotional activities. Pudiéramos pensar en las actividades emocionales. And volitional activities. The will. Actividades de la voluntad.

[2:17] And what I'm seeking to illustrate is that all these activities are ascribed to the heart in the scriptures. Todo lo que quiero hacer es que todas esas actividades se ascriben al corazón en las escrituras.

[2:31] So when we're thinking biblically, we don't think heart equals emotions. Cuando estamos pensando biblically, no estamos diciendo que el corazón quiere decir emoción. The heart is the core of your being.

[2:42] Es el centro de nuestro ser, el corazón. Es el centro de nuestro ser, el corazón. Es el centro de nuestro ser, el corazón. Es el centro de nuestro ser, el corazón. Es el que dirige y determina todo lo que está en nuestra vida. And I missed this slide last week.

[2:53] Some of the implications of this truth for raising children. Y esta vista de la semana pasada me faltó. All the activities of the, excuse me, the activities of the heart drive behavior.

[3:09] That's what Proverbs 4 is teaching us. It's out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. And of course, these are great areas in which we can ask questions of our children.

[3:23] When we're talking to them, rather than just scolding them and saying, don't do that. Cuando estamos hablando con él, en vez de decirle, no hagas esto, aquello.

[3:34] We can teach them how to examine their hearts. Podemos enseñarles cómo examinar sus corazones. What was the desire of your heart? ¿Cuáles fueron los deseos que tuvieron en tu corazón? What was perhaps the fear of your heart?

[3:44] ¿Cuál era el temor que había en tu corazón? Or what was your heart loving? ¿Qué estaba amando tu corazón? Or what idol of the heart were you serving? What lust of the heart motivated you?

[3:59] These are great areas for questions for our kids. And of course, there are excellent areas for Bible study in our family. And I will talk to you more about this later, but we can develop a heart notebook with our children.

[4:17] Y voy a hablar de esto más tarde, pero pudiéramos hacer un cuaderno de notas de todas estas cosas con nuestros hijos. Where we examine some of the 700 passages in the Bible that talk about the heart. Donde pudiéramos examinar los 700 pasajes de la Biblia donde se habla el corazón.

[4:31] And help our children over time to develop a self-consciousness about motivation. Y ayudar a nuestros hijos a que estén autoconscientes de las motivaciones que guían su corazón. Now, I mentioned last week that this truth that the heart drives life is written throughout the word of God.

[4:53] It's throughout the Old Testament. We looked at some of these passages last week.

[5:08] But think of Proverbs 3, 5, and 6. Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Don't lean on your own understanding.

[5:21] In all your ways acknowledge him. And he will direct your path. When I was pastoring, sometimes people would come to me and say, Pastor, I'm having trouble trusting God in this situation.

[5:34] When I was pastoring, many people would come to me with difficulties saying, Pastor, I have difficulties to deal with this situation. And I would always ask them, then what are you trusting? And I would always ask them, then what are you trusting? Because when we're not trusting God, we're just trusting something else.

[5:50] If we're not trusting God, we're just trusting something else. Some other fears, some other ideas. Something other than God. En algo que no es Dios. But our hearts are always putting their trust in something.

[6:01] Pero nuestros corazones siempre están poniendo su confianza en algo. And then we looked at this truth that it's out of the overflow of the heart that the mouth speaks. Cuando vemos esta verdad de que de la abundancia del corazón o la boca. And we looked at a couple of these passages in the Gospels.

[6:14] Y vimos algunos de estos pasajes en los Evangelios. And my point here was just to help us see that the heart is the motivational center of our lives.

[6:25] Y mi punto es aquí para que ustedes vean que el corazón es lo que motiva nuestras vidas. Whatever comes out in behavior has its origin in the heart. Todo lo que sale en nuestro comportamiento tiene su origen en el corazón. And we looked a little bit at the idea of behaviorism.

[6:39] Y vimos la idea de lo que es conductismo o behaviorismo. And I would define that as trying to motivate or control behavior through rewards and punishments.

[6:50] Y para definir esto, esto quiere decir que queremos tratar de controlar el comportamiento mediante amenazas o recompensas. So it's very easy for us to think of ways to motivate the behavior of our children.

[7:04] Eso es para cuando nosotros queremos motivar a los hijos y usar esta técnica. And we looked at some illustrations of that last week. Hice algunas ilustraciones la semana pasada.

[7:14] We might bribe our children. Pudiéramos sobornar a nuestros hijos. Promise them rewards or money. Or we might shame them. Or we might heap guilt on them.

[7:31] Or we might even appeal to their pride. We might say something like this. You don't want to be a liar.

[7:44] You don't want to be like those people, those liars. You're better than that. I know you're better than that. And we're using pride as a motivation.

[8:01] And we looked quickly at just some of the implications of behaviorism. The real need of my child is not addressed when I'm manipulating behavior.

[8:15] La verdadera necesidad de mi hijo no se controla cuando yo trato de cambiar su comportamiento. Because his real need is not a behavior need. Porque su verdadera necesidad es una necesidad de cambio de comportamiento.

[8:28] And behaviorism offers a false basis for ethics. Y esto es algo que tiene que ver con la ética. Because it's what will get me what I want. Porque yo lo que quiero es lo que yo deseo.

[8:39] And that's what's being used as the motivation. Y eso es lo que se está usando para motivarlos. Or what will avoid what I don't want. O puedo evitar lo que no quiero. So whether it's negative or positive is totally focused on me.

[8:54] It's not focused on a God who's in heaven. Who's told us how we ought to live for our good and for his glory. And of course the heart is being wrongly trained.

[9:09] El corazón se entrena de manera errada. If we manipulate with guilt, we teach children to operate out of guilt. Cuando manipulamos a nuestros hijos para que hagan las cosas por recompensas o por castigos.

[9:21] If we manipulate with shame, we teach them to operate out of shame. Si lo manipulamos con vergüenza, ellos van a obrar en base a la vergüenza que tienen. But whatever we use to motivate trains the heart.

[9:32] O lo que sea que usamos para entrenar el corazón. And of course the gospel will never be the core of my message. Because behaviorism does not require the gospel.

[9:49] There are parents all over America who are manipulating their kids with various forms of behaviorism. They don't need the gospel to do that.

[10:02] The gospel will never be the core of my message if I'm only focused on managing behavior. If I'm only focused on managing behavior.

[10:14] And of course it exposes the pride of our hearts. Desde luego, eso también expone el orgullo que hay en nuestros propios corazones. Maybe I want control. Yo quiero controlar. I have pride.

[10:24] I want people to think highly of me. Yo tengo orgullo y quiero que las personas piensen bien de mí. I'm looking for convenience. Yo estoy buscando mi conveniencia. And for ease. Algo que sea fácil. Now, this truth.

[10:35] I'll pass through some slides here quickly. This truth is so foundational for us. Esta verdad es muy fundamental para nosotros. And we looked at this passage in Ezekiel 36.

[10:46] In Ezekiel 36 vimos este pasaje. Because we need all the things that Ezekiel promises. Necesitamos todas las cosas que nos promete en Ezekiel. We need cleansing. Necesitamos limpieza. We need to have the idols of our hearts removed.

[10:58] Tenemos que quitar los ídolos de nuestro corazón. We need to have heart transplant surgery. Tenemos que tener un trasplante de cirugía de corazón.

[11:08] Where he takes out the heart of stone and he gives us a heart of flesh. Donde Dios quita el corazón de piedra a nosotros y nos da un corazón de carne. And we need empowerment by the Spirit of God. Y tenemos que tener el poder del Espíritu Santo.

[11:18] Para que eso suceda. Para que eso suceda. Ahora, I've reviewed because these things are foundational for everything we do as a parent. Yo tengo que revisar esto porque esto es fundamental para nosotros como padres. And it is so important that we are not simply focused on managing behavior.

[11:34] It is so important that we are not simply interested in changing behavior. And if we only manage behavior, parenting is reduced to controlling and constraining our children.

[11:47] If we only want to change behavior, we want to exercise control over our children. We will also miss right behavior for wrong motives. Years ago, we had a little summer cottage in the middle part of the state.

[12:03] En el año pasado, hubo una cabina en el medio del estado. Last year, you say? Years, many years ago. Hace muchos años, perdón. And when our grandchildren were young children, we used to spend 10 days with them.

[12:21] And that was a wonderful summer time for us. We were there one time or night, we were there with the children.

[12:32] I bought one of these little plastic kayaks for children. And we were going to put it in the lake the next day.

[12:45] And I was sitting in the house the night before. And one of my grandsons came up to me. He was about 8 or 10 years old.

[13:00] He said, Grandpa, do you know what's going to happen tomorrow? I said, no, tell me. He said, as soon as you put that kayak in the water, everyone's going to be fighting over who gets to go first and whose turn it is.

[13:13] He said, you know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to hang back.

[13:25] And I'm going to let them all fight over it. And when they're all done, I'm going to get in the kayak and I'm going to take it all the way around the lake.

[13:38] And then I'm going to get in the kayak and I'm going to get in the lake. Now, if you had seen this scene, if you had been there the next day, and you observed nine children arguing over whose turn it was.

[13:59] And this one little guy was not trying to push ahead. He was just waiting behind. You might think, what a virtuous little boy.

[14:13] Look at him, he's the only one that is not selfish. But you see, that's not the story.

[14:26] He was not being unselfish. He had connived a strategy that would give him the greatest use of the kayak. Now, there was no...

[14:40] You would have never scolded him for his behavior that day. But you see the point. If we focus only on behavior, we will miss right behavior for wrong motives.

[14:59] Because children can behave ways that are externally appropriate for a host of reasons. Because children can behave in a certain way. Because they're proud.

[15:12] Because they feel superior to others. Or maybe they're afraid of being scolded. But none of those are noble objectives.

[15:26] But they're not objecions. Now, I want to build on this truth that we started with last week. I want to build on this truth that we started with last week. I established this principle with this.

[15:44] This biblical principle. The behavior cannot be addressed biblically without reference to the heart. The behavior cannot be addressed biblically without reference to the heart.

[15:59] Now, we could extend this diagram in this way. We could extend this diagram in this way. The ungodly behavior begins with attitudes of heart.

[16:09] The ungodly behavior begins with attitudes of heart. And they're reflected in behavior. And godly behavior begins with attitudes of heart.

[16:19] And they're reflected in behavior. So, we've just drawn this chart in these three parallel columns. It's out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.

[16:36] Now, let's take a common problem in any home. Let's take a common problem in any home. If you have more than one child, you have two children fighting over the toy. You have two children fighting over the toy.

[16:49] How are you going to respond to that? We used to say to our children, okay, who had it first? Now, you know children are very clever.

[17:05] And so, if you make who had it first the issue, they're going to make sure they're the one that had it first. They're going to make sure they're the one that had it first. One of our sons got up before anyone else in the house.

[17:22] Uno de nuestros hijos se levantaba mucho primero que antes que los demás. And he hid all the good toys all over the house. A esconder todos los juguetes alrededor de la casa. So, he had them all first. Para tenerlos todos primero.

[17:33] See, whatever you give the children as a standard, they'll work with that. Todos los que ustedes le dan a sus hijos como un standard, ellos se van a aprovechar de eso. But if we think about overflow of the heart, like, okay, this behavior, fighting over the toys behavior, is driven by something within the heart of the child.

[18:00] We could ask the question, what is the sin behind the sin? I mean, there's a sin of fighting over the toys. What is the attitude of heart underneath that fight over the toys?

[18:18] At the very least, we could say, that fight is driven by love of self. And so love of self is behind that fight over the toy.

[18:30] And true evangelical sharing of the toy would be driven by the heart. It would be motivated by love of others.

[18:48] Was it motivated? It would be motivated by love for others. Now, let's analyze this situation.

[19:00] If I have two children fighting over the toy, I don't have a, I have two selfish children here.

[19:14] Because the one child who has the toy, he is saying in effect to his siblings, I know you've been waiting to play with it.

[19:26] I know I've been playing with it for a long time. In fact, I was almost done playing with it. De hecho, yo casi estaba a punto de terminar de jugar.

[19:37] But now that I know you want it, you have renewed my interest in this toy. But now that I know you want it, you have renewed my interest in this toy. And the other child is saying in effect, I know there are a hundred other toys in the house I could play with.

[19:52] Mientras tanto, el otro niño está diciendo, yo sé que hay cientos de juguetes alrededor de la casa con los que yo pudiera jugar. But the only toy in this house I'm interested in is the one that you have. Pero el único juguete en el cual yo estoy interesado es el que tú tienes.

[20:04] And I will do whatever I have to do to get it from you. Y yo voy a hacer todo lo que está me alcance para tenerlo de tu mano. See, I have two children here who are caught up with love of self. If either one of them was loving others more than himself, we wouldn't be having the fight.

[20:25] It's very easy for us to look at a situation like this and ask who is the innocent child and who is the guilty child. And the question who had it first assumes there's an innocent party.

[20:45] Whoever had it first is not obligated to share. Now, continue with this with me. We isolate the behavior.

[20:57] That's what I'm representing by this little box. And the temptation is to see this as a behavior problem.

[21:14] Now, why would we ignore the heart and just focus on behavior? And the answer to that is very obvious.

[21:27] We see behavior. We hear behavior. We hear behavior. We hear behavior. We don't necessarily see what's going on in the heart. And so, it's very easy for us to focus on what do I have to do to change the behavior.

[21:45] It's very easy for us to focus on what do I have to do to change the behavior. So, I want this behavior to change from fighting over the toy behavior to sharing the toy behavior.

[21:55] I want to change I want to change from fighting to fighting to that. I want to share because if I make behavior the issue, that's where my focus will go. Because if I make behavior the issue, that's where my focus will go.

[22:11] I was teaching this material many years ago here at Grace Fellowship Church. It was 1985. That's 40 or 85.

[22:26] That's 40 years ago. I can't possibly be that old. But, as I was teaching, a man came to me afterwards.

[22:37] But, when I was teaching, a man came to me and he said, we had this problem in our house. The children saying, shut up to each other. And so, I wanted to solve this problem.

[22:55] So, I told them, from now on, when you say, shut up, you got to put a dollar in this jar. And he started, he started, he started finding them a dollar every time they said, shut up.

[23:14] Now, my training is in counseling. And counselors ask questions. So, my question was, well, what happened? He said, you wouldn't believe it.

[23:29] In two weeks, we had a hundred dollars. I said, a hundred dollars, that's a lot of money. He said, yeah, my wife and I were putting it in too.

[23:47] Now, that's a way of manipulating the behavior. Because he said, you know, a couple weeks went by, nobody was saying, shut up anymore. And I wanted to do something special with the family one Friday night.

[24:06] And I, money is always tight. And so, I remember that hundred dollars, we went out for pizza. We went to a movie after the pizza.

[24:18] We got ice cream after the movie. We spent the hundred dollars. I said, what happened after that? He said, you wouldn't believe it.

[24:29] Within a week, they were saying, shut up to each other again. Usted no lo va a creer. Después de una semana, otra vez, estamos mandando callar a todo el mundo en la casa. So, you know what? I wouldn't believe you if you told me they weren't. I said, you know what?

[24:40] I wouldn't believe you if you told me they weren't. What's going on with those kids? Was their heart change? Was their heart changed? The behavior changed? The behavior changed?

[24:52] But the behavior was still being motivated by self-love. But the behavior was still being motivated by self-love. But the behavior was still being motivated by self-love. If I say, shut up, it'll cost me a dollar. If I say, shut up, it'll cost me a dollar.

[25:05] So I'm going to say free words like drop dead. Así que voy a usar otro tipo de palabras diferentes. So you just move from the expensive words to the free words. De una palabra que es un poquito fuerte a una que era más sencilla.

[25:17] I was talking to a man one time it was on a radio program actually and he said tell me what you think of this way of handling behavior I wish he hadn't asked me that but here's the story he told me he said I've got a daughter she's 15 years old she's a good kid she doesn't give us any trouble but she's a complainer you ask her to do some simple task and she complains oh daddy do I have to so he said I came up with this idea I put 10 $10 bills in an envelope $100 wrote her name on it and I said to her there's $100 in that envelope and it's for you

[26:25] I want you to have it here's the deal for the next month every time your mother or I ask you to do something if you complain I'm going to take one of those $10 bills out of the envelope if you complain I'm going to take one of those $10 bills out of the envelope now these are high stakes in this game these are high stakes because they're not single bills or fives they're $10 bills if she complains 10 times the next month there will be no money left and this girl got very sweet after this she would come to talk to her father before bedtime and she would say daddy is there anything else I could do for you before I go to bed heart change she is still driven by self pleasure one more illustration when Margie and I were young in ministry we used to go visit a couple down in Lancaster he was also a pastor and we had children the same age and one day we were there and his wife said

[27:59] I came up with this great system at home it's really working she said I took a shoe box I covered it with tin foil I put an opening in the top of the box and I told the kids every time you do some every time I observe you doing some random act of kindness I'm going to write your name and put it in the box and I put it in the box and I put it in the box at the end of the week we'll shake up the box we'll draw a name out randomly the person whose name is drawn gets a prize now you know how this works with kids they are very clever they realize it is pointless for me to share in the family room when mother's in the kitchen cooking that's just wasted sharing that's not even a good stewardship of sharing that's not a good way to share!

[29:17] and so when mother's nearby that's when they do these acts of kindness so mother's coming down the hallway and the child says very loudly would you like to play with my tonka truck oh honey that's so nice I know how much you love that truck makes me so happy to see you share it with your brother I'm going to go write your name and put it in the box so mother goes to write the name and put it in the box and the child says I didn't say how long and he says no te dije por cuanto tiempo ibas a jugar con el juguete see children will work with whatever you give them to work with los niños van a aprovecharse dependiendo de como ustedes le den la oportunidad now I want you to I'm going to take this another step with you we know that behind the fight over the toy is love of self now imagine we never address that heart issue of love of self and we manipulate the behavior through some form of behaviorism prizes whatever we use and so we get that child to share without ever addressing the love of self behind the fight we get that we get the child to share without ever addressing the heart issue of loving self what do we call that kind of sharing let me ask this question is it commendable to do the right thing for wrong motives this is a picture this is a picture of what Jesus describes in the

[31:23] Pharisees he says you Pharisees are like tombs that are clean on the outside and you're dirty on the inside you're like cops that are clean on the outside dirty on the inside and in between those statements Jesus says these amazing words he says blind Pharisee ciegos ciego guía de ciegos first clean the inside of the cup and then the outside will be clean what is the matter of first importance it's what's going on inside it's what's going on inside it's what's going on inside first clean the inside of the cup then the outside will be clean it's another problem that we have when we're trying to manipulate the behavior of our children we will always find ourselves hypocritically distancing ourselves from our kids

[32:35] I might say something like this to my eight year old son I can't believe you're so selfish your little brother is two years old he's going to take a nap in five minutes would it hurt you if he played with your truck for five minutes I can't believe you're so selfish you uncircumcised Philistine how did you ever get into this Christian family now is there any unselfish adult here are there any of us who do not understand how something about how selfishness works in the human heart when we had children at home

[33:41] Margie and I would go to our room about ten o'clock at night and we would talk over our day perhaps read to each other just kind of have some nice time together and I would say to her honey would you like a cup of ice cream and I would only get a cup because we're always counting calories solamente era una tacita porque estábamos pendiente las calorías so I would go down to the kitchen and I would find the cups and get out the ice cream and make these two cups of ice cream I would go to the cups of ice cream and I would go to the stairs carrying my two cups of ice cream feeling very proud of myself because I went to get the ice cream most guys would have said hey why don't you get us some ice cream but I went to get the ice cream

[34:48] I'm such a servant I have to think of how to draw this to her attention when I get back upstairs and so while I'm conniving about thinking about how to to draw attention to my act of self-sacrifice and I also weighing these cups and I'm trying to decide which is the better cup of ice cream I'm trying to remember which one is the one where I firmly compacted the ice cream into the cup and which one is the one with these light airy scoops of ice cream I'm embarrassed to tell you this but I've had times where I marked them with different spoons so I wouldn't forget which was the better cup of ice cream

[35:51] I don't forget which one is the one that had the best ice cream now now think about that my dear wife has been washing my dirty socks for all these years my amada esposa estaba lavándome mis medias in all these years and I'm willing to cheat her out of a couple spoons of ice cream and yet I'll say to this eight year old I can't believe you're so selfish do you see the hypocrisy of that now we began looking at this last week but these attitudes of heart the statement is how the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks is an abstract statement but here is some specific content of what's going on in the heart and these terms are all biblical terms because remember

[36:56] Hebrews 4 says the Bible judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart so I want to look at these things with you for a minute imagine with me revenge rather than entrusting myself to God do you ever see any revenge behavior at your house did you ever hear these words he hit me first that's a revenge statement he hit me first so I'm taking revenge I'm justified because he hit me first rather than entrusting myself to the one who judges justly that's what Jesus did 1st Peter 2 when he was persecuted he did not retaliate instead he entrusted himself to the just judge or we see our kids caught up with the fear of man rather than the fear of the Lord the Proverbs say the fear of man will be a snare a trap but the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom or we see our kids motivated by pride rather than humility imagine my 8 year old son playing checkers with his 6 year old sister and the game gets to the point where he realizes

[38:40] I'm going to lose this game and he decides checkers is boring this is a stupid game he flips the checker board over what's going on with this child it's pride it's bad enough to lose the checker game but to lose to your little sister who's two years younger than you that's terrible or we see love of self rather than love for others or self preservation rather than being willing to lay down my life for others Jesus says greater love has no one than this that he would lay down his life for his friends or fear rather than knowing the perfect love of God 1st John says perfect love drives out fear the biblical answer to fear is being confirmed in the love of God it's being confirmed in God's love it's being solid in God's love or covetousness rather than generosity or envy rather than a desire for the good of others

[40:15] I read in a book one time a distinction between covetousness and envy and the writer said coveting is wanting what someone else has envy is wanting to strip them of what they have even if you can't have it or we could think of hatred rather than love sometimes even in our Christian homes we hear those awful words I hate you or anger rather than peacemaking have you ever been trying to reconcile two children who've had a fight with each other and the one child is quite ready to be reconciled and the other one is sitting there and he does not want to be reconciled he wants justice or we see bitterness rather than forgiveness bitterness is what happens if I don't forgive or desire for approval rather than desire for

[41:39] God's approval or rebellion rather than submission see it's these things inside that push and pull behavior and these we all struggle in some aspect with all of these now I want to give you a suggestion about how to teach these things to your children I want to talk to you about how to develop a heart notebook with your kids so that you can over time teach these biblical truths or biblical descriptions of motivation to your kids but we're going to have to do that next week so do you have any questions pastor has some questions!

[42:48] it's in English! ok ok the question is about how can I shepherd the hearts of my children if they've grown up without having this truth emphasized to them from the time they were small how can I pastor your heart of my children if they did not grow with these truths in their lives and the heart notebook that I want to talk to you about next week will begin to answer that question because it's one of the ways we can begin to teach these things to our kids may I close us in prayer pastor father we pray that you would help our hearts to meditate deeply on the truths we've been thinking about and that we would see how profoundly we need you we need forgiveness we need transformation we need empowerment and we look to Christ for all those things we pray in his name amen